Obama is Thrilled about the Olympics: My Rendition of the Meeting

“Okay ladies and gentlemen, I have flown across the world here to Copenhagen, and I will make this quick for you. I love being here, and even if you go against my wishes tomorrow, this trip will not be in vain. There is nothing I need more than to see Scandinavian socio-political theory in practice, and just seeing the people leaving work at 1:20 pm today showed me that I have work to do back in the hell-hole I am trying to govern. But I did come here with a purpose, and I do not want to leave empty-handed. Tomorrow when you vote, I need you to vote NO ON CHICAGO. Indeed, if you give Chicago the Olympics, you will be showing the world once and for all that the IOC has no brains. In fact, I will suggest an out for you. Give it to Rio de Janeiro. Their economy is doing way better, and they have a huge statue of Jesus which will show that you guys don’t only pick Muslim cities (now that you picked London for 2012).

This may shock some of you. You thought I was coming to pitch for Chicago. No way. But I need you to keep this under wraps. Look, if Chicago were to host the 2016 Olympics, the next seven years will generate headlines that make Jeremiah Wright look like Mother Teresa and Tony Rezko look like the guy on Extreme Makeover. Don’t you think I am tired of being linked to this city? Do you have any idea what will happen if Chicago is hosting an event of this size? How many Saturday Night Live skits do you expect me to endure? Please, trust me on this. Chicago does not need the Olympics.

Some of my friends would never forgive me for this. Some have already started construction on new steakhouses from which they can bribe politicians to get new deals done. It is not a pretty picture, that Chicago politics. I have encouraged some of the city leaders to reach out to Honduras and Zimbabwee for guidance on how to reform a corrupt political scene, but their phone calls are not being returned. I am telling you that all of this stuff will stick to me, and I don’t want it. Giving a city like Chicago a chance to bid on stadium deals, hotel construction, transportation contracts, union jobs, and millions of people coming to do commerce is like giving cocaine to a student at Harvard – you just can’t tempt people like that! I became President of the United States by separating myself from my main man, Jerry Wright. J-bug and I were tight, but now that relationship is gone. How will it work for me if people find out that I once bought a Mercedes from the guy who gets the custodial contract at the swimming stadium, or that my wife and I did a real estate limited partnership with one of the guys building the locker facilities for the Korean soccer team? I have had enough weird linkage, thank you very much. I don’t need this.

All I can say is: it would mean a great deal to me if you would let me off the hook here. Chicago will get through the humiliation of being turned down. I mean, really, how could it not? What it can not get through is the humiliation of getting picked. Either can I. Thank you in advance for your consideration.”